The Sixpence Opera
by samvimes
Summary: Watchmen and Rogues! Lords, Ladies, Diurse Alarums, and Nobby in a dress. Just the notes for an imaginary musical.
1. Default Chapter

This is what I did whenever Dame Rumour kicked at me and wouldn't   
co-operate. It's silly and strange, but there you have it.  
  
Enjoy, gentle...audience members.  
  
  
THE SIXPENCE OPERA  
Book by Tomjon Vitoller  
Music and Lyrics by Imp y Celyn  
  
(with deepest apologies to Terry Pratchett, Kurt Weill, and Bertoldt   
Brecht, as well as the entire musical theatre community)  
  
INTRODUCTION:   
  
The cast and crew would like to thank you for purchasing this special   
playbill program for The Sixpence Opera, the Disc's smash new musical   
extravaganza that's taken Short Street by storm. Here you will find  
a dramatis personae, a list of songs, and several production photos.   
  
As an added bonus, you can follow along with the plot of The Sixpence   
Opera while you listen to the haunting, thrilling, and astounding   
musical numbers, using these liner notes. The story of The Sixpence   
Opera, as well as trivia about the cast and production, can be found   
in these pages.  
  
  
CONTENTS:   
Page 1: Introduction, Cast, Song List  
Page 2: Production Iconographs (Courtesy Otto Chriek)  
Page 3: Show Outline  
  
  
CAST:  
SAM VIMEf, a Rogue from COCKBILL fTREET  
CAPTAIN CARROT IRONFOUNDERSfON, a Polifeman, head of the WATCH  
SERGEANT ANGUA VON UBERWALD, a Polifewoman, beloved of CAPTAIN CARROT  
LORD RAMKIN, a city noble, landlord of COCKBILL fTREET  
LADY SYBIL, daughter of LORD RAMKIN, beloved of SAM VIMEf, a fergeant   
in the WATCH  
THROAT DIBBLER, an errant saufage vendor, lieutenant of SAM VIMEf  
LORD HAVELOCK VETINARI, ruler of ANKH-MORPORK  
THE LIBRARIAN, an Orang-otan  
LEONARD OF QUIRM, a Genius  
CHORUS OF WATCHMEN, led by CORPORAL DORFL, a Polifebeing  
CHORUS OF ROGUES  
CHORUS OF STREET VENDORS*  
DEATH (last, as usual)  
  
* In the original script, Throat Dibbler was the only street vendor   
in the production; however, the fact that the musical was performed   
outside in Sator Square -- there being, in the words of the Opera   
House management, "No chance in hell people will pay to see that" --   
meant that street vendors, who make Sator Square the bustling   
commercial centre it is today, were necessarily a part of the   
audience, and often wandered through the production by mistake.   
Finally, Imp simply gave them their own song.  
  
  
SONGS:  
  
OVERTURE / A GUIDE   
TO ANKH-MORPORK..................CHORUS OF WATCHMEN  
SAM THE KNIFE...................THROAT DIBBLER  
QUITE FOND OF YOU...............CAPTAIN CARROT, SERGEANT ANGUA  
SOMEONE TO 'WATCH' OVER ME /  
AIN'T MISBEHAVIN................SAM VIMES / CHORUS OF ROGUES  
YOU'LL DO IT MY WAY.............LORD RAMKIN, LADY SYBIL  
A FLAUTIST ON THE ROOF..........LADY SYBIL  
I'VE GIVEN YOU MY HEART*........SAM VIMES, LADY SYBIL, CAPTAIN CARROT,  
SERGEANT ANGUA  
  
* A very popular number with the city's Igor population, who have been   
known to applaud for as long as five minutes afterward. Some of them   
with more than two hands.  
  
BREAKFAST AT DIBBLER'S..........SAM VIMES  
WATCH THAT WATCHMAN.............CAPTAIN CARROT, SERGEANT ANGUA  
DON'T CRY FOR ME, ANKH-MORPORK..LORD HAVELOCK VETINARI*  
  
* A difficult song to write, and even more difficult to sing, 'A Funny   
Thing Happened On The Way To The Patrician's Palace' was removed from   
the libretto after the Patrician requested it, 'quite forcefully'   
according to unnamed sources. In its place, the simpler and much more   
sensible song 'Don't Cry For Me, Ankh-Morpork' was inserted.   
  
  
INTERMISSION  
  
  
SPINNING THING WITH HORSES ON..LEONARD OF QUIRM  
COCKBILL STREET RAG............SAM VIMES  
WHAT'S ALL THIS RACKET?........CHORUS OF STREET VENDORS  
SINGIN' IN THE SLEET...........LADY SYBIL  
IN THE WATCH CELLS NOW.........LORD RAMKIN, CAPTAIN CARROT  
MUSIC OF THE NIGHT WATCH.......CHORUS OF WATCHMEN  
CATS!..........................DEATH*  
  
* You knew this was coming sooner or later, right?  
  
DREAM BALLET...................CORPORAL DORFL, THE LIBRARIAN,   
DEATH  
JUST FOR TODAY / 'TOMORROW'....CAPTAIN CARROT / SERGEANT ANGUA  
DO IT PROPERLY.................SAM VIMES, CHORUS OF ROGUES  
A DO RUN RUN RUN...............SAM VIMES, LADY SYBIL  
NICKED, ME OLD CHUM............CAPTAIN CARROT  
DEUS EX MACHINA................LORD VETINARI  
GIVEN YOU MY HEART (REPRISE)...ALL  
  
Please turn to Page Two for the Iconography Feature. 


	2. Page Two Songs and Cast

His Grace, Duke Samuel Vimes, meets his counterpart, played by   
Imp y Celyn. In the background, Tomjon Vitoller prepares to go   
onstage as Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson. We are sure his Grace   
did not mean to smile in such a menacing fashion.  
  
  
C.M.O.T. Dibbler, playing himself, vends sausages and signs   
autographs at intermission.   
  
  
The Wizard Rincewind, in his costume as DEATH.   
  
  
Sergeant Detritus of the Night Watch is helped into costume by   
Rosie Palm, costume designer (also head of the Seamstresses --  
no, the real ones, that sewed the costumes, honestly). More   
than ten pounds of faux fur and a bottle of glue a night are   
used to transform the troll into an Orang-otan.   
  
  
Lady Sybil Ramkin and Sergeant Angua von Uberwald, played by   
Susan Sto Helit and Nobby Nobbs, during "I've Given You My   
Heart". Tomjon Vitoller as Captain Carrot and Imp y Celyn as   
Sam Vimes, in the background. Nobby Nobbs, a Watchman by day,   
designed his own dress.  
  
  
Sergeant Angua von Uberwald, in the audience, chokes on a piece   
of popcorn as Nobby Nobbs makes his first entrance.  
  
  
The mask used to transform a regular man into Dorfl, head of the   
Chorus of Watchmen.  
  
  
Director Sacharissa Cripslock, during a rehearsal, giving William   
de Worde 'line notes'. Hur, hur, hur.  
  
  
Otto Chriek's thumb, partially obscuring Rincewind as DEATH during   
his big number, Cats!  
  
  
Big smiles everyone! The principal cast of The Sixpence Opera.  
  
Back row: Rincewind as DEATH, Detritus as The Librarian, William de   
Worde as Dorfl.  
Third row: Tomjon Vitoller as Captain Carrot, Nobby Nobbs (standing   
on box) as Sergeant Angua, an uncredited actor as Lord   
Vetinari, Otto Chriek as Leonard of Quirm.  
Second row: Imp y Celyn as Sam Vimes, Susan Sto Helit as Lady Sybil   
Ramkin.  
First row: Nobby Nobbs as Sergeant Angua, Wee Mad Arthur as Lord   
Ramkin, Throat Dibbler (seated) as Himself.   
  
Please turn to Page Three for Show Outline. 


	3. Page Three Plot Summary

"The Sixpence Opera" opens on a typical Ankh-Morpork street scene  
in COCKBILL STREET, which is being broken up by several members of   
the CHORUS OF WATCHMEN. They introduce us to the greatest,   
grubbiest, greediest city on the Disc with "A Guide To Ankh-  
Morpork". In an interlude, most of the principal characters are   
also introduced: The leader of the Watch, Carrot Ironfoundersson;   
two women of the Watch, Sergeant Angua and Lady Ramkin; Corporal   
Dorfl, a ceramic policebeing; Lord Vetinari, ruler of the city;   
and Cut-My-Own-Throat-And-Yours-Too Dibbler, the left-hand man of   
the greatest rogue ever to be born in Ankh-Morpork.   
  
Dibbler, selling sausages to those arriving too late to see the   
fight, sings "Sam the Knife", which introduces his boss, Sam   
Vimes, a vicious street-gang leader with a heart of iron and a   
fondness for cigars. Vimes and Dibbler, apparently about to plot  
some new mischief, scatter and hide when Captain Carrot and   
Sergeant Angua appear, on a patrol.   
  
Carrot confesses to the Sergeant that he's "Quite Fond of You",   
and Angua returns the sentiment. Vimes, hidden behind a gargoyle,  
is struck with jealousy at the young couples' hesitant affection,  
and sings a plaintive plea for "Someone to 'Watch' Over Me". His  
CHORUS OF ROGUES counterbalance his sad ballad with "Ain't   
Misbehavin'", a reminder to the rogue that, in fact, he is wasting  
valuable time that could be spent causing trouble. They run away  
to THE BUCKET to hatch a devious plot.   
  
Lord Ramkin, a noble landowner, arrives on COCKBILL STREET just as  
Vimes and his gang are leaving. He has come to inspect the extensive  
tenement housing he owns in the street, and finds many of his   
tenants sadly wanting -- as well as his daughter, who has taken a   
'common' job as Sergeant in the Watch. They quarrel about his   
shameful slum apartments and her terrible job, in "You'll Do It My  
Way". Eventually, Lord Ramkin storms off in a rage, leaving Lady   
Sybil victor of the field. In a splendid moving-scenery event, she  
patrols her way to GLEAM STREET, where she saves the life of a   
suicidal musician in "A Flautist on the Roof".   
  
Sam Vimes, watching from inside THE BUCKET, is instantly smitten.   
To an oblivious Lady Sybil, who is busily writing her report back at  
THE WATCH HOUSE, he sings "I've Given You My Heart", and is joined   
by young lovers Captain Carrot and Sergeant Angua. When Vimes   
accidentally falls off the privy roof, he is forced to actually   
speak to the object of his affection, and works up the nerve to ask  
if she'd like "Breakfast at Dibbler's". Lady Sybil, charmed by the  
handsome rogue, agrees, arousing suspicion in the senior Watch   
Staff. While Vimes and Lady Sybil perform The Sausage-Cart Tap  
Dance, Carrot and Angua tell the CHORUS OF WATCHMEN to "Watch That  
Watchman".   
  
Lord Vetinari, witnessing the romantic tap-number while on his way  
to a meeting with Lord Ramkin, sings the heart-wrenching "Don't   
Cry For Me, Ankh-Morpork", warning the city not to feel sad for  
him, because he doesn't /want/ a wife.   
  
Arriving at the Ramkin mansion, he mentions the romantic tryst   
between Sybil and Vimes to Lord Ramkin, who flies into a rage as  
the curtain falls on intermission.  
  
  
Act Two opens with Leonard of Quirm, who talks about how love   
moves in circles like a "Spinning Thing With Horses On". He   
exits, re-designing the moving scenery as he goes.   
  
Vimes leads the still-uncertain Sybil onstage. He explains to   
her all about his life and downplays his crimes in the "Cockbill   
Street Rag" where the CHORUS OF ROGUES dances like no real   
rogues ever would. When the CHORUS OF STREET VENDORS interrupt   
with their famous improvisational number "What's All This   
Racket?", Vimes vanishes into the crowd, leaving Sybil overjoyed   
and "Singin' in the Sleet".  
  
All is not well for Sam Vimes, however. Lord Ramkin has brought a  
serious complaint against him, and Captain Carrot -- who rather  
likes the raffish rogue -- is forced to put him "In The Watch   
Cells Now". Lady Sybil, forbidden from seeing her amour, falls   
into a weary sleep as the CHORUS OF WATCHMEN sing the haunting  
lullabye, "Music of the Night Watch".   
  
We're not really sure why, but in the first part of Lady Sybil's  
Dream Ballet, DEATH sings a song about "Cats!".   
  
DEATH remains onstage as Sybil watches a Dream Ballet about her   
ill-fated romance with Vimes, performed by the Watchman Dorfl and  
the Librarian of Unseen University.   
  
Meanwhile, Captain Carrot's pursuit of the anxious Sergeant   
Angua culminates in an attempt to reach an Understanding. Carrot  
tells her that they can take it slowly, having a romance that's  
"Just For Today", but Angua is terribly worried about "Tomorrow".  
  
Meanwhile, Vimes executes a cunning and daring escape from the  
Watch cells, accompanied by his CHORUS OF ROGUES as he points out  
the inadequacies of the Watch in the taunting "Do It Properly".   
He finds Sybil and convinces her to elope with him, but he spends  
so much time singing "A Do Run Run Run" that Carrot nicks him   
once more.   
  
All gather at the jail cell as Carrot sings the jazzy finger-  
snapping "Nicked, Me Old Chum", explaining to the Patrician what  
exactly has happened.   
  
The Patrician, impressed by Vimes's vision of what the Watch   
ought to be, pardons him and makes him Commander of the Watch  
and appoints him Duke of Ankh, explaining that he is the "Deus   
Ex Machina" meant to bring the story a happy ending. Vimes's  
first act as Commander is to arrest the CHORUS OF ROGUES and   
deport them to Pseudopolis.  
  
Lord Ramkin, impressed by the Commander's new title, admits that  
he might not be entirely unhappy if Sybil were to marry him.   
Angua, struck by the couples' devotion, decides she might reach  
an Understanding with Carrot after all. All join in for the grand  
finale reprise of "I've Given You My Heart". 


	4. Page Four Selected Lyrics

Well, I thought I'd never do this, because it's silly and besides, none   
of them are very funny, but what the hell. These are some selected   
songs from The Sixpence Opera. I'm afraid the songs that I parodied the   
titles of are the only ones I feel qualified to post, since people will   
recognize (hopefully) the tunes. Therefore, "I've Given You My Heart",   
"Cockbill Street Rag", and "Deus Ex Machina" -- among others -- do not   
appear here (Sorry, Igors; I know I'll be pelted with noses for that).   
  
Although I must say I'm a little proud of "Singin' in the Sleet". I think  
it perfectly captures the results of spending too much time in the cold  
and damp.  
  
Enjoy, gentle listeners.  
  
  
THROAT DIBBLER:  
(Mack the Knife, Bobby Darin version)  
Oh, the statueinthetempleofofflerthecrocodilegod has   
Pretty teeth, dear  
And they're made of pearly white  
Just a jackknife has old Sam Vimesy   
And he keeps it out of sight  
When Assassins stab you dead dear  
They at least leave a reciept  
But Sam Vimes with his little knife babe  
He'll never admit, and take the heat  
  
Now in Ankh Morpork on a sunny morning  
You can find all kindsa cats  
And somebody's probably been ill in the gutter  
And there's dwarves out hunting rats  
But Sam Vimes babe, down on Cockbill street  
He's the toughest rogue around  
And he'd rob you soon as greet you  
And he never makes a sound  
  
So hats off all to that rogue Vimes  
He's a clever man, from the Shades on down  
Here he comes now, see his ceegar  
Old Sam Vimesy's back in town!  
  
***  
  
VIMES:   
You see that, Throat? That's love right there.  
  
THROAT:  
Wouldn't know, sir.  
  
VIMES:  
Yeah. Neither would I. That's the problem. If Watchmen can find love,   
why can't I?  
  
THROAT:  
[wandering off] SAUSAGES! TUFA DOLLA!   
  
VIMES:  
("Someone to Watch Over Me", from Crazy for You)  
There's a someone I'm longing to see   
I hope that she   
Turns out to be   
Someone to watch over me   
  
I'm a city boy alone in in the world  
I know I could  
Always be good   
To one who'd watch over me   
  
[At this point, the ROGUES join in; "Ain't Misbehavin" by Fats   
Waller]  
  
ROGUES:  
[gathering]  
No one to talk to  
All by himself  
No one to walk with  
He's thinkin' about someone else  
  
VIMES:  
Although I may not be the man   
Some girls think of as handsome   
Or well-dressed, or moral, or sweet   
Won't you tell her please   
To put on some speed   
  
ROGUES:  
Ain't misbehavin  
He's wastin' his time on love  
dee dee, de deedly deedly de*  
  
VIMES:  
Track down the leads   
Oh how I need   
  
ROGUES:  
He don't stay out late  
Don't care no mo'  
Where did our boss go  
And who is this lovesick schmo  
  
VIMES:  
Someone to watch over me   
  
ROGUES:  
Ain't misbehavin'  
Wasting all his time on love...  
  
VIMES:  
I'm a city boy alone in the world  
I know I could  
Always be good  
  
ROGUES:  
Ain' Misbehavin'  
  
VIMES  
To someone who'd Watch over me.  
  
ROGUES  
HE's wastin' his time, on love!  
  
VIMES looks around and notices the oddly musically-talented ROGUES.  
  
VIMES:  
Right lads. I'm done here. Everyone meet at the Bucket.  
  
  
* When real Rogues were auditioned for parts in the CHORUS OF ROGUES,   
it was discovered that all but one of them refused to sing 'deedly   
deedly dee'. Eventually, members of the Actors' Guild, who are used to   
saying stupid things on stage, had to be used.  
  
***  
  
LORD RAMKIN  
And you took that common job in the Watch. For shame, Sybil.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
For shame? I'm supposed to be ashamed of trying to get a little law and   
order around the place, dad? How about your slum buildings all over   
Cockbill Street?  
  
LORD RAMKIN  
Those are no concern of yours. I'm your father, you have to obey me.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
I don't. I'm a Watchman. You have to obey /me/.  
  
LORD RAMKIN  
("I Did It My Way", Frank Sinatra)  
You silly gel, the time is near  
Some day too soon, you'll have to marry  
And when the city nobles hear  
That you do this, things will get hairy  
I know you want a life that's full  
I know you think you're making wages  
But now, I'll tell you straight,  
You'll do it myyyyyy waaaaaayyyy...  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Yes dad, I've meant to say  
I don't regret taking the shilling  
I've only done, what I had to do  
And it's not bad, except the drilling  
I planned this out, I made my choice  
So I don't have to need a trust fund  
If I, arrested you  
You'd do it myyyyyy waaaaayyyy  
  
LORD RAMKIN  
Ungrateful child, I raised you up  
Without a mum, I did my best  
And who are you to tell me how  
I manage things, and all the rest  
This is my land, I own it all  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
And look at what you've managed with it  
The rent's too high, the roofs all leak  
Let's face it dad, you're just an old twit.   
  
IN UNISON  
You've no idea of what it's like  
To do this job and make a living  
I've had to make some sacrifice  
If you would listen to what I'm giving  
Yell all you like, and threaten too  
I wouldn't change, not for a year's pay  
And this, you listen up, you'll do it  
MYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAAY  
  
LORD RAMKIN stomps off in a huff. LADY SYBIL stomps off in an opposite   
huff towards GLEAM STREET.   
  
***  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
What's going on here, my good man?  
  
VIMES  
Ooh. Nothing, sir. Ma'am. Certainly not plotting of any sort,   
especially the devious kind.  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
Up there, I mean.  
  
VIMES  
Yes, miss. A jumper, miss.  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
Looks more like a person to me.  
  
VIMES  
A man's going to jump off the roof, miss. They say he's from over Opera   
House way. A flautist, miss.  
  
CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN:  
("Tradition!" from Fiddler on the Roof)  
A flautist, A FLAUTIST!   
A flautist!  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
Well, I'm sorry, but that's no reason to kill yourself. You man, give   
me a leg up.  
  
LADY RAMKIN hoists herself onto the roof with the wretched Flautist.  
  
FLAUTIST  
Who day and night must play this wretched instrument  
Earn a lousy wage and   
Pay musician's guild?  
Who spends his time while the actors get the glory  
sitting in a pit?  
  
CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN  
A flautist, A FLAUTIST!  
A flautist!  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Who on the beat must help people down from roofs  
Try to help the city  
Carry a big stick?  
Who'll help this flautist sitting on the roof  
Thinking about jumping  
Guess that'd be me.  
  
CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN  
The watchman, the Watchman!  
The Watchman!  
  
VIMES  
Just look at her she's glorious  
She'll soon have him down  
And after all, aren't we all  
Flautists on the roof?  
  
CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN  
A flautist, a flautist!  
A flautist!  
  
LADY SYBIL catches the flautist as he's about to fall, and carries him   
down to much accord. VIMES slinks off into the shadows.   
  
***  
  
PATRICIAN  
Drumknott, was that Lady Sybil? And the rogue Sam Vimes?  
  
DRUMKNOTT  
I believe so, sir.  
  
PATRICIAN  
How interesting.   
  
DRUMKNOTT  
You ever think about finding a...a wife, sir?  
  
PATRICIAN  
Good lord, no. Why would I want a wife?  
  
DRUMKNOTT  
They're nice, I hear.  
  
PATRICIAN  
Listen to me, Drumknott.  
("Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" from Evita)  
  
It won't be easy, you'll think it strange  
When I try to explain how I feel  
That I still haven't time, after all that I've done  
  
You won't believe me  
All that you see is a man growing old  
Although he's Patrician of Ankh  
And Morpork, and could have you sold  
  
I had to let it happen, I had to rule  
Couldn't stay all my life as a lord  
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun  
  
So I chose freedom  
Running around, making laws, holding court  
And nothing surprised me at all  
I've known it all before  
  
Don't cry for me, Ankh-Morpork  
The truth is, I have the office  
That's all I wanted, that's all I've fought for  
And now I've got it  
And I am happy  
  
And as for fortune, and as for fame  
I never invited them in  
Though it seemed to the world they were all to desire  
They are illusions  
They are not the solutions they promise to be  
Patricians must know this at once  
Control, what I have, don't you see...  
  
Don't cry for me, Ankh-Morpork  
The truth is, I rule and love you  
All through my young days  
That mad existence  
I kept my promise  
So keep your distance.  
  
  
***  
  
ACT TWO  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM:  
("The Circle Game" by Joan Baez)  
In the last act, two watchmen fell in love  
A rogue fell for another watchman too  
Throat Dibbler tried to sell a couple sausages,  
And a flautist almost fell off the roof  
Now we're on to act two and I must say  
I'm not sure why I'm here for this cameo  
Except that someone thought it might be interesting  
And so I thought I'd give it a go  
  
And the seasons, like love, move along  
Like a spinning thing with horses on  
But I bet I could make it work better;  
Give me a spanner and I'll change the world  
With one or two machines  
And go on and on oh wait  
Let me fix this scene...  
  
[Leonard exits, repairing the moving scenery as he goes]  
  
***  
  
LADY SYBIL:  
Settle down, everyone. Where's Sam got to?  
  
DIBBLER:  
Dunno, miss. Sausage?  
  
LADY SYBIL:  
Er, no, thanks.  
  
DIBBLER:  
Startin' to rain, miss. Best get inside.  
  
LADY SYBIL:  
Watchmen like the rain, Dibbler.  
("Singin in the Rain", from the musical)  
  
I'm singing in the sleet  
Just singin' in the sleet  
What a glorious feeling, but  
I can't feel my feet  
  
I'm laughing at clouds  
So dark up above  
My fingers are numb  
But who cares? I'm in love  
  
Let the stormy clouds chase  
Everyone from the place  
Come on with the snow  
Now I can't feel my face  
  
But I walk down the street  
Though I can't feel my feet  
Singin', just singin' in the Sleet  
  
[Lady Sybil does a soft-shoe number, in an attempt to keep warm]  
  
***  
  
CARROT:  
I don't like to do this, Mister Vimes.   
  
SAM VIMES:  
I'm not that crazy about being locked up, either, Carrot.  
  
CARROT:  
("In the Jailhouse Now", folk tune)  
I had a friend named Samuel Vimes  
He used to steal, all of the time  
He thought he was the smartest guy around   
Well Ramkin laid a warrant  
And we locked him up right quick  
They've got him in the Watch Cells way downtown   
  
He's in the watch cells now   
He's in the watch cells now   
He tried to court a Guard  
He shoulda stuck to playin' cards  
He's in the watch cells now...  
  
***  
  
Several WATCHMEN troop in, and begin various tasks; shining armour,   
writing reports, making cocoa, as they begin to sing.  
  
(Medley; "Jacob's Ladder", folk hymn; "How Do They Rise Up" by Terry   
Pratchett, far as I can tell; "Music of the Night" by Andrew Lloyd   
Webber; "Matter of Trust" by Billy Joel; "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"  
by The Mamas and the Papas)  
  
ALL  
One, two  
One two three four --   
  
WATCHMAN #1  
We are climbing Brutha's ladder  
We are climbing Brutha's ladder   
We are climbing Brutha's ladder  
Children of Great Om...  
  
WATCHMAN #2  
All the little angels rise up, rise up  
All the little angels rise up high  
  
WATCHMAN #3  
How do they rise up, rise up, rise up  
How do they rise up, rise up high?  
  
WATCHMAN #4  
Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation  
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination  
Silently the senses abandon their defences  
  
SAM VIMES  
Some love is just a lie of the heart  
A coal remains of what began with a passionate start  
And they may not want it to end  
But it will, it's just a question of when.  
  
WATCHMAN #1  
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder  
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
In Ankh-Morpork, the mighty city  
The people sleep tonight  
In Ankh-Morpork, the grubby city  
The Watchman walk tonight...  
  
WATCHMAN #2  
They rise heads up, heads up, heads up  
They rise heads up, heads up high  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour  
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender  
Turn your face away from the garish light of day  
Turn your face away from cold, unfeeling light  
And listen to the music of the night...  
er...  
Watch...  
  
SAM VIMES  
It's hard when you're always afraid  
You just recover when another belief is betrayed  
So break my heart if you must  
It's a matter of trust  
  
WATCHMAN #1  
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder  
Children of Great Om  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
(to Sergeant Angua)  
I know you have doubts  
but for the gods' sake don't shut me out  
  
SAM VIMES  
All the little angels rise up, rise up  
  
WATCHMAN #4  
Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation  
  
WATCHMAN #1  
We are climbing Brutha's ladder  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
I won't hold back anything  
and I'll walk away a fool or a king.  
  
SAM VIMES  
All the little angels rise up high  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
Turn your face away from the garish light of day  
  
ALL  
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder  
  
WATCHMAN #1  
Children of Great Om.   
  
A pause.   
  
SAM VIMES  
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end  
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end  
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end  
A knob on the end, a knob on the end...  
  
***  
  
SERGEANT ANGUA:  
It'll never work, Carrot. It's too hard. I'm going to have to leave   
the city, sooner or later.  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT:  
That's nonsense.   
  
SERGEANT ANGUA:  
("Tomorrow" from Annie)  
Just thinking about   
Tomorrow  
Fills me with forboding   
And with sorrow  
Today.   
  
I'm stuck in a day  
That's gray  
and cloudy  
I just hope the moon stays  
thin and gaudy  
And not full, today!  
  
Tomorrow, tomorrow  
I love you but   
Tomorrow  
It's only a night away.  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
("Another Day" from Rent)  
Who do you think you are?  
You're a sergeant, a watchman, you're a ser(geant)  
Angua, hey  
The door is that way  
Doesn't look like you want to go anyway  
Take your armour  
Take your chainmail  
Take your sword belt  
But can you handle --   
Well take your fear of the moonlight  
Your deep sighs, goodbye, goodnight  
  
SERGEANT ANGUA  
I should tell you I should tell you  
I should tell you I should -- no!  
Another time, another place  
We'd make a go  
We might even escape  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
There's only us  
There's only this  
Forget the moon  
This chance is yours to miss  
No other road  
Come on and stay  
No day but today.  
  
SERGEANT ANGUA  
Tomorrow, tomorrow,  
I love you but  
Tomorrow --   
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
(speaking)  
No day but today.  
  
***  
  
All right, all right, stop throwing noses, I hear you. I hadn't   
intended to compose the somewhat gristly ballad "I've Given You My   
Heart", but I thought I'd give it a go. Here you are. I accept no blame   
for this.  
  
I'VE GIVEN YOU MY HEART  
("Free Fallin" by Tom Petty; "I Can't Help", UB-40 -- the version I  
have, anyhow)  
  
SAM VIMES  
She's a good girl  
She's a Watchman  
Loves Morpork  
Probably Ankh too  
She's a woman  
She prob'ly has morals  
Loves the city  
What'm I supposed to do?  
  
SERGEANT ANGUA  
Wise men say  
Only fools date Watchmen  
But I can't help  
Giving you my heart  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
Can I say --   
You look nice today  
And I can't help  
Giving you my heart.  
  
Like the Ankh that flows  
To the Circle Sea  
Filthy, yes, I know  
But some things were meant to be  
  
SAM VIMES  
Doesn't know me,  
Doesn't care to  
But she'll take me  
If I don't look out  
Got my heart wrapped  
Around her finger  
She just reached in  
And pulled it right out  
  
LADY SYBIL  
I hate reports  
Wish I was doing   
something else  
  
SAM VIMES  
I can't help  
Giving you my heart.  
  
CAPTAIN CARROT  
You're a werewolf  
Ask me if I care  
Means you'll always  
Be up for a walk  
Come and see the  
Colossus of Morpork  
You'll enjoy it  
  
SAM VIMES  
You're always somebody's dog.  
  
Take my hand  
Take my heart out too  
I can't help  
That I love you.   
  
CARROT, ANGUA, VIMES:  
Can I say  
That I've come apart  
And I can't help  
Giving you my heart.  
  
LADY SYBIL:  
Blasted report. Here, knock off that singing! Some of us are trying to   
work, thanks so much! 


End file.
